"For here am I sipping from a tin can..."

When dorm life proves to be the musty monotonous grind that it is, I like to pretend I am aboard the International Space Station (ISS).

 Closing the UV protective plates, I isolate myself from all outwardly distractions. Darkened by the infinite majesty of space , my room is a research cell sprinkled with blinking electronics provided by Japanese researchers. The loud *ca-chonk* of my air-conditioning device is a patented NASA air purifier, providing me with the essential mix of oxygen, nitrogen and space dust. I consume an aqueous diet of energy rich supplements and carbohydrate  enriched water.  Leaving my cabin, a host of international cosmonauts greet me. Aboard the ISS our restrooms are communal and water is limited, so bathing is optional. The exterior hatches are security sealed, and only those with special access keys are allowed to provide third party docking permissions. Once a rookie cosmonaut opened the exterior pod bay doors for a prolonged period of time during a shipment of organic material and the alarms sounded.

Research projects aboard the ISS are diverse. I am primarily testing human stress levels when exposed to highly concentrated doses of social media.  A few researchers were conducting a clandestine botany experiment (causing them to float in the most peculiar way), but were shut-down and then jettisoned from the craft after they failed to meet ISS rules and regulations.  Rather recently the station experienced a large build up of intergalactic ice and all research was halted. In response, resident astronauts were encouraged to  consume a heightened level of hydroxyls to deal with the cabin's lowered internal temperatures.

Since arriving in mid January, the effects of both zero gravity and project Late Night have taken a toll on my physical health. My once pristine body has slowly been modified to a amorphous space amoeba. What was once a small step for man, has become a giant leap for my kind. Ground control warns me if this deterioration continues I will be forced to use a Safe-Ride escape pod to board the U.S.S. HYPR for physical therapy.

I am scheduled to return to Earth in mid May, and while previous station visits proved to be rather tedious, I recently gained clearance to make space walks across the station's Dickson platform. So until then this has been astronaut Silas Moon, over and out.